So much has changed in a week

Warning…this may be too much information for some.

Saturday, June 5th started off normally enough.  John, Micah, and I were planning on heading up to Fresno to see my cousins Jacob and Alison in Seussical.  Caleb was going to stay with John’s mom for the day. 

I got out of the shower and noticed I had some bleeding.  We’ve been told that you don’t worry about brown blood, but bright red blood is a problem.  Well, it was bright red.  Since it was Saturday, our only option was to head to the ER.  John dropped me off at the hospital to check in while he dropped off both boys at his mom’s house around the corner.

I told them that I was 17 weeks pregnant and was experiencing some bleeding.  They got us in right away.  The doctor said he would do a bedside ultrasound and a pelvic exam.  He brings in the ultrasound.  We could immediately see the baby, but it was not moving.  I thought this was unusual because at my last ultrasound the baby was moving all over the place and I could see the flickering of the heartbeat.

The doctor told us that he was going to send us to the radiology department so we could get a better ultrasound.  I tried to be encouraging for John because I thought he might not realize that this ultrasound was unusual.  But what I didn’t realize was that John could see the doctor’s face while he was doing it, and I guess the bad news was written all over the doc’s face.

So we go to get the second ultrasound and the lady told us that there was no heartbeat.  She was so sweet to us and I could tell this was part of her job that she did not enjoy.

As they were wheeling me back to the ER, we saw Dr. Huss in the OB department.  He came into my room a few minutes later and walked us through what was to happen.

The next morning (Sunday), John and I arrived at the hospital, where I was admitted.  Sue (the most wonderful nurse ever!)  inserted some Cytotec pills so that I would start to have contractions.  I actually thought the process wouldn’t take so long.  But by 2 o’clock, I still wasn’t really feeling any contractions.  So Dr. Huss ordered another round of Cytotec to be administered.  Shortly afterwards, I began to start contracting.

My parents and sister arrived from Texas just as I asked for some Stadol.  This was the medicine that caused me to see Muppets when I was in labor with Micah.  I had forgotten that it acts very quickly.  So I don’t remember much about them being there.

John had gone to take the boys home and was waiting for my parents to get there so he could come back to be with me at the hospital.  At about 5:45 (before John got back), I told Sue the nurse that I felt the urge to push.  So she was there with me when I delivered my baby.

Dr. Huss said that usually the placenta will be delivered soon after the baby.  Not in my case.  I was still having contractions, but they started Ptocin, which helps with them as well.  Still no placenta being delivered.  Dr. Huss said we would wait another hour until we would have to go to the delivery room where he would have to manually get the placenta to come out.

Sue’s 12 hour shift was over at 7.  We had asked her earlier in the day if it would be possible to determine whether the baby was a boy or girl.  She said they wouldn’t know until they saw the baby.  She came in after a while and told us it was a boy.  That’s when the waterworks began again.  We don’t plan on naming him.  Had I been 20 weeks or further along, we would have had to name him, because then he would have been considered stillborn.

After that hour, off we go to the delivery room.  Of the whole ordeal, this was the most painful.  They gave me another dose of Stadol, but I should have asked for more.  I won’t go into anymore details than that.

I spent the night in the hospital.  John had to go in to work the next morning because he was shorthanded.  My mom and sister came to get me when I was released. 

This whole week we have been showered with love, kindness, and prayers from family and friends from all over.  John and I are so lucky to be blessed with all of you in our lives.  We know that God is in control of all of this, but it helps to have the physical presence of those who live near us, and the words of comfort from those who live too far away to physically be with us right now.  And of course, all of the prayers.

Back in April, our Associate Pastor Joey did a sermon titled, "How to Keep Your Head When Others Are Losing Theirs.”  He said something profound and I wrote it down.  I always put my bulletin in my purse.  Saturday, for lack of anything better to do, and to keep myself occupied, I began to clean out my purse.  And I found the quote from Joey that I had written down.  Here it is:  “Peace is not the absence of problems.  Peace is the presence of God in the midst of your problems.”  I know that God had me write that down, because I have been holding tight to that ever since I found that bulletin.  I know that God is right with us, loving us and gently holding us as we grieve the loss of our baby boy.

I’m sorry for such a long post.  I needed to get it written out.  It’s been a week since we found out, and tomorrow will be one week since we actually lost him.  It doesn’t hurt any less, but I am finding ways to cope with the hurt a little bit more every day.  Your continued prayers are greatly appreciated.